I was just thinking about ...
PAYING
FOR MYSELF
Ever been to a restaurant
with a close friend who insists on paying for your dinner? Yeah, you have that
awkward moment when you argue politely over who gets to pay the bill. Then you
feel indebted to the person who paid for your dinner or lunch and look for ways
to pay him or her back. I had one of those instances lately and had forgotten
all about it until just yesterday. I was in front of the altar in a quiet,
darkened sanctuary trying to pray and couldn’t say anything but, “I’m
sorry” over and over again? Ever had one of those experiences? They’re
horrid; I mean you feel so useless and empty. Lately, I’ve really been in the
doldrums and haven’t been very faithful to God, Jesus, the faith, the
scripture, anything, just been really down. And as I pondered my lackluster
faith for a half hour or so, I started saying that over and over. I wanted to
cry and couldn’t. I wanted to moan and wail and pour my heart out to God. But
nothing would utter forth except, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sooo
sorry…I wish there was something I could do to make up for the pathetic
devotion I have exemplified lately!” That’s all I could say, over and over
again. And it hurt so much. Like there was something inside of me that needed to
burst forth.
So to the rescue comes Mr. rational thinker saying, “There’s nothing
you can do, so forget about it.” Yet there was still another voice demanding
something be done to make up for it. Curiously enough, a verse popped into my
head, out of 2 Corinthians 12:9-10;
My grace is
sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. I will all the
more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships,
persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
At that point it hit me; the voice demanding recompense
for the past was me demanding to not be under obligation to God. It was just
another way for me to stay in control of my life and not surrender it totally to
God. Just like fighting over who gets to pay for the bill at the restaurant, I
was trying to buy my self, at least partly, from God. And the reason I felt so
empty inside was God letting me know that I had nothing to barter with, nothing
truly righteous apart from the Holy Spirit living within me. Only after I gave
up trying to buy myself did I gain any peace. Do yourself a favor, don’t try
to make up for the past, you can’t. Nothing you have or could give away will
bring you peace of mind. Only God can do that. But here’s the good news …
God wants to give you peace. Just rest comfortably, depending upon God for all
you need. You’ll know a peace that you won’t believe. Well, not at first
anyway. Hey gotta go now, but …
Come
by anytime, I’ll be here and so will God.
Pastor
Dennis